What age are you in your head?

Hello and welcome …

Which is better – back in the day, or now? Or are they just the same, but different? I wonder …

This week I celebrated my 64th birthday and I just can’t buggery bollocky believe that I am now 64, possibly because in my head I still think I am approximately 28. This partly came about some time ago after I was asked the question “God forbid, but if you were woken from a coma with absolutely no memory, and no mirror, and covered in a blanket from the neck down, how old would you think you are?”

It didn’t take me long to estimate that I was about twenty eight years old (even though I was actually in my fifties at that time).

I wonder if it was because I consider my twenty eighth year here on Earth as my absolute favourite. I still had my parents, I looked young (because I was), I was healthy, I loved my then husband (well, perhaps loved is a bit strong, but I quite liked him), I lived in a nice home in a lovely part of the country, holidayed in exotic locations, and my pride and joy at that time (apart from my dog and my cat, obviously) was a metallic baby powder blue super fast targa top sports car with a most luxurious suede interior (all of which I was hopelessly in love with).

Fast forward thirty six years to today (not so far in the greater universal scheme of things) and it’s a very different picture … my darling parents have both sadly departed, I no longer look in my twenties (no, honestly), I suffer from various aches and pains etc (but they are at a level that’s tolerable), I’m divorced (several times over but always my choice), I still have a nice home thankfully but I no longer go on holidays abroad (because I don’t want to leave my dogs), and I still drive a sporty little car (but a way more sensible version).

So, having pondered all of the above I would surmise that by far and away the one thing about being this age which has affected me the most is the loss of my beloved parents and my various much loved pets along the way.

Any other disappointments are far outweighed by the prevailing sense of calm which seems to envelop me these days. In fact, it’s slowly beginning to dawn on me that I may have finally become a grown up. Probably just as well, given that most members of my family have lived well into their nineties which means I could be here for another thirty years or more.

In fact, my best friend Lucy and I made a pact several years ago that we would spend our last days living together and caring for one another – although Lucy quickly pointed out that she expected the level of care I would receive to be far superior to the level of care she would receive.

And now I wonder what will life be like in yet another thirty six years … I hope I get to have a jet pack. And one of those scooters that hovers about three feet off the ground, I’d love to travel across the English Channel on one of those to have afternoon tea in France. And a really handsome sex robot (just as arm candy, rather like an ultra modern futuristic walking aid). Perhaps I haven’t grown up after all …

 

 

It’s hard work being a Mother!

Ahoy there! Now, me hearties, here is an interesting fact for you, which I discovered purely by chance this very morn. Yesterday was actually “International Talk Like a Pirate Day”! I Captain Kidd you not – how amazing is that? If only I had known – now I have to wait a whole year until the next one.

Which reminds me … I was attending a dinner party a few years ago, oddly enough dressed as Long John Silver (not really, just checking to make sure you are paying attention) when the topic of conversation turned to children – who had what, how many, ages etc.

I was just about to say actually I don’t have any children but, before I could, the lady seated opposite me piped up “Oh, I think there’s something very strange about a woman who doesn’t have children – there must be something wrong with her surely”.

She then immediately turned to me and asked “How many children do you have Elizabeth?” and I heard someone answer “Two” and then realised it was in fact me that had said that. Phew, that was close, I thought I had swerved what could have been an awkward moment rather nicely.

I really should have paid more attention to the potential ramifications of my reply though because then came a barrage of questions, thus:

“What are their names?”

“Hugo and Pandora” I replied, having quickly plucked from thin air the names of my two beloved cats from years ago. Lucky they weren’t called Puss and Ginger!

“How old are they?” Blah blah blah …

By the end of the evening I was the unintentional mother of two children, my aforementioned incredibly talented son Hugo and my beautiful daughter Pandora, affectionately known as Pandy. Perhaps a little over the top, I hear you say? No, that was just the beginning.

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Hugo is a very successful architect, living with his partner (Antonio) in the most scrumptious loft apartment in Manhattan. As a trendy gay man about town I don’t expect he will be giving me grandchildren anytime soon. Thank goodness! No way do I want some sticky toddlers anywhere near my dogs, my Afghan war rug or my cashmere throws thankyou.

Ooh, I started to get a bit anxious then at the thought of it, completely forgetting for a moment that that particular nightmare scenario exists only in my mind. Phew, what a relief!

Back to Pandora … Pandy is a very successful (naturellement) interior designer, living with her husband Sebastian in Primrose Hill on the northern side of Regent’s Park in London.  Pandy is very similar to me in many ways and she and her husband (whom I simply adore) have decided they are not particularly fussed about having children for they too have some beautiful soft furnishings. That, and they have a shared love of long haul travel destinations. They have the most gorgeous home, as one would expect, but unfortunately have very loud neighbours to the left of them – some kind of musician, apparently quite famous, playing an electric guitar and wailing at all hours. I can’t recall his name off hand but I imagine he sounds rather like this:

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So, with my maternal instinct on full alert, I advised darling Pandy to pop next door and ever so politely ask if they would be kind enough to keep the noise down after 10pm in the evening, which she did. But she then informed me a greasy wild haired beatnik type of fellow had greeted her with some hostility, shouting “I’m not going to be told what to do by a woman with a face like a pickled onion”!

Outrageous!! The child is beyond beautiful – she looks just like me for heavens sake!

Anyway, must dash for now dahlings as I’m expecting a long distance call from Hugo … I’ll send him your best wishes. And then I really must plank.

Elizabeth x

 

What most women do? Surely not.

Hello everyone and I hope this finds you all happy and well.

I was driving into the city this morning, listening to an obscure radio station when the presenter asked listeners to phone in with their answers to the following question:

What is it that most women do at least once a month but some women do at least once a week?

My thought was changing the bed – I do this at least once a week, as I imagine a lot of people do. And that answer would also take into account the lazy mares who might change it only once a month (but would they even admit to that?).

Someone quickly phoned in with the most obvious answer (sex) but that was wrong.

Someone else phoned in and said “Shower” – please, no, don’t let that be the answer!

Someone else said “Wash their hair” – whaaat? Just once a month? Wrong again.

The suggestions were coming thick and fast, with me saying continuously in the background “Change the bed”, then forced to increase my volume substantially “CHANGE THE BED” when no-one would say it.

Eventually, the presenter said that every single caller had guessed incorrectly so he would have to tell us the answer.

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It was crying!!

He claimed that it is a scientific fact that most women cry at least once a month but some cry at least once a week?

Really?? I think I have cried on just two occasions so far this year (and we are now in September) – once when I saw on the news that a rhino had been killed and the other time was watching a film. I can’t, however, remember which film so the emotional impact on me was only fleeting.

In my opinion that presenter should have then done a second phone in: What’s everyone crying about? I wonder what YOUR guess would be?

Elizabeth x

 

A rather unusual bread recipe …

Hello everyone and I hope this finds you all happy and well.  Brace yourselves please because you will NOT believe what happened to me last night! My friend, who is passionate about cooking, invited me to her home for a light supper and we were chatting away when she casually announced she had been baking and had been experimenting with a new recipe which she was keen for me to try. She told me “It’s rather an unusual combination of ingredients but I know you’re adventurous enough to try it” – she then brought to the table this quite magnificent creation which looked absolutely delicious.

“It’s a peanut butter and semen loaf” she proudly declared. “What the actual  f**k” was my first thought. My second, having already told her I was ravenous, was how do I get out of this without offending her.

“Wow”, I said “that certainly is adventurous”! My friend seemed completely unfazed by my hesitation saying “Go on, try it, I’m sure you’ll want more once you’ve tried it”.

“I’m not sure I can, it’s just so … unusual” I told her. By now even the thought was making me gag. I thought I’d stall for time so I asked her where she got the main ingredients from.

“Oh” she cheerfully replied “just from the village shop. You know, the one which old Mr Mills runs – he’s quite remarkable you know, 83 years old and still working”.

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As she cut a very generous slice and placed it before me I heard myself blurting out “No, no, I’m sorry but I just can’t face it, it’s just too much”, I grabbed my bag and made a run for it. As I ran I heard her shout “Whatever is wrong with you – I know it’s rather unconventional but won’t you even try it”?

Driving home I was thinking whatever has this world come to. Unconventional? That’s an understatement if ever I heard one! A sad place indeed when a poor old man has to resort to this just to make ends meet. Oh, the indignity.

Arriving home I was so happy to see my dogs, Mrs Temple-Savage and Philip, and gave them an extra big fuss, thinking to myself well, whoever would have thought it – having always been considered the eccentric one in our friendship I’ve just been promoted to being the most ‘normal’ one, after all these years. Whatever was she thinking. And I certainly hope that particular recipe doesn’t get featured on The Great British Bake Off.

I made myself a soothing Peppermint Tea and then settled comfortably at my computer – heading straight to Facebook to distract myself from a most peculiar evening.

Aaaagh! The very first thing I see is my friend proudly displaying the very same creation she had tried to tempt me with, along with the caption …

My peanut butter and CINNAMON loaf.

Tres embarrassant!!

Elizabeth x

YouTube & Coco Pops

OMG yesterday was dire but today I have woken to a brand new day, feeling bright and breezy, yay! And I see I have some new followers, thankyou so much and welcome – how lovely of you to join me!

I was too weak to get up to much yesterday so basically just lounged around enjoying my preferred drug of choice – YouTube. Yes, I think I may indeed be addicted to it but it’s just so fascinating on there. One minute I’m looking at wobbly footage of alien beings (no, it wasn’t filmed in Walmart), then a shark attack (I pressed that one by mistake) and then this humongous woman with smudged eye makeup and a marshmallow stuck to her long tangled hair – my first thought right then and there was “Oh, I didn’t know my phone could be a mirror too” before realising it wasn’t me. Phew! That vision, however, has thankfully put me back on the right track.

Anyway, I was Googling away in bed last night (ooh er, NOT a euphemism) and I found this blog similar to mine but the lady in question, who is just a year younger than me at 62 but way heavier (check out my smug face), has decided to keep a photo blog. Yes, good idea you might be thinking … but she has decided to pose in the smallest string bikini so that we can all see what an absolute wildebeest she is at the start of her journey (no offence)! Now that is one brave woman. And before you ask, no you won’t have to endure that from me.

But what would be a reasonable amount of time to elapse, I wonder, before I notice my endeavours coming to fruition? I’m thinking a couple of weeks preferably as I am really impatient and have an extremely low boredom threshold. Actually though, I have read that the longer it takes to lose weight and get into shape then the longer lasting the effects will be. We’ve all seen these zelebrities in the media who look as though they have eaten their entire family one minute and then suddenly they bring out a work out video and then these same zelebrities shrink massively and rapidly whilst shouting “I know I said I loved being a jolly fat person but I was lying” … three months later they appear even bigger than when they started and their workout videos (aka cash injections much needed to pay for lots of pies) can only be found in bins and skips (where they themselves can sometimes be found I’ve heard, searching for anything remotely edible). In fact, I’ve heard that one ex soap “star” was once spotted down at her local tip chewing on the back of an old leather sofa. It’s true I tell you!

Anyway, back to me and so far today I have done 50 arm twizzles and planked for eleven whole seconds – and I have also had a remarkable stroke of good luck. I came across an article which stated that Coco Pops are good for you because they contain a high amount of iron. I gave up smoking almost three years ago, for obvious reasons, and then gave up cows milk a year ago having read some really grotesque facts about it but now I use almond milk instead and much prefer it (it seems to suit me personally better than soya milk) and on Coco Pops it’s divine.

What luck, because I love them! So I jogged to the shops this afternoon (in the car) and I am just about to enjoy a delicious bowl full. Heaven!

Missing you already, Elizabeth x

 

Don’t look at me!

Hi everyone! I’ve woken this morning feeling fully refreshed and fighting fit (which is actually completely untrue – I look terrible and I’m fairly sure that if a member of the public saw me right now I would probably get poked with a stick to check I was still alive). What’s happened? I ate a late supper – and I stayed up late watching TV eating a very generous size prawn cocktail (without the healthy salad bit) followed by chocolate orange creams, that’s what. So, shoot me. Yes, seriously, it would be the kindest thing to do today – just put me out of my misery please.

I feel awful. My hair has left me looking like the wild man of Borneo, a side effect of a really restless night, and I am bloated and can hardly move. Anyway, enough of me, let’s talk about you … ok, no sorry, it’s just too soon I’m afraid so back to me. As you have probably already realised I am not one to complain … have I mentioned I feel rough?

Elizabeth x

Twizzles, planking & fat burning

Hello again! Well day one went well, especially as I only did a few arm twizzles (I’ll explain later) and then planked for just seven seconds followed by a generous slice of key lime pie early evening as a reward. Although, in mitigation, in the morning I walked my dogs around a nearby lake which is just over two miles so I figured I had already walked off the pie long before I ate it. Today, however, is day two and this is where the work needs to begin – I’m working on a little and often premise so that I don’t get bored or injured.

I went onto YouTube the other day and found this great little video of arm exercises for the over fifties to combat, eew, I can barely bring myself to say the words … bingo wings!

I didn’t think I had them until I caught myself in a reflection as I was waving off a friend – I remember thinking I can’t recall wearing a cape today as I saw everything flapping about. It shocked me that I hadn’t noticed them before – so they have to go, and fast!

I’ll try and find the link and then I’ll try to add it on here – my computer skills don’t really go much beyond emailing, pictures and games.

Here it is, just click on this then click on the link that pops up:

Toned arm workout for women over fifty

Wow, I’ve actually impressed myself doing that (I’m easily pleased lol), although I’m not entirely sure I’ve done it right, but it works.

Back to the arm twizzles (or, more correctly, arm circles) I mentioned earlier. I found these on YouTube too:

Arm twizzles

I do 25 in one direction, then 25 in the opposite direction first thing in the morning, then the same again at night. It’s not a lot probably but I’m only a beginner and it’s still a hundred a day and I can already see a difference. Definitely more toned.

Now, back to the aforementioned planking – I read somewhere that the plank is one of the best exercises for core conditioning and, as well as working your glutes and hamstrings, it encourages proper posture, and improves balance. I then saw a woman doing this, on yes you’ve guessed it YouTube, and she made it look so easy. She said “Just start off holding this pose for 25 seconds a day at first and increase the time every second day”. I got into position and then tried to raise my body of the ground and could not believe how difficult it was – it felt as though I weighed two tons! I could hardly lift my carcass off the floor, it just felt as though the gravitational pull of this planet was too strong for me. Seriously. I managed just five seconds on my first try, but now I can do a whole seven seconds … even though it is agony.

I’ll try and find the video I first saw and you can see this woman – it looks like she is floating on air, it’s just so effortless for her.

x

Unfortunately I can’t find the video I first saw but if you enter ‘How to plank for beginners’ on YouTube there are lots to choose from. Let me know how you get on – did you beat my seven second record? No way lol.

And do check this out, a little gem I stumbled across which seems to address so many of my dietary and weight loss problems … ie I think it’s SO hard to lose excess weight particularly after turning fifty, and my stomach is way more sensitive than it was when I was younger. I used to be able to eat anything and everything back in the day but now I have to think twice before consuming an increasing number of things. Chinese deep fried King Prawns in a sweet and sour sauce for example – I love these with a passion, always have, but I now know full well there will be a price to pay later. Too high a price for me unfortunately as I know that I will be left feeling sluggish and bloated and then have a restless nights’ sleep.

Anyway, whilst doing some research online I found this digital manual online and found it really interesting:

The Fat Burning Kitchen – Your 24-Hour Diet Transformation to Make Your Body a Fat-Burning Machine

<a href=”http://9c4e91s425e4kzeasfq5py-p9c.hop.clickbank.net/&#8221; target=”_top”>Click Here!</a>

There’s loads of really great info in here, much of which I didn’t know – for example did you know that many whole grain crackers, breads, and cereals (all of which I eat and enjoy) could actually be packing more body fat on you? Also they offer a 100% money back guarantee which I think is always reassuring plus it makes me think they know what they are talking about otherwise everyone would be asking for their money back.

Please do let me know if this manual has helped you, or perhaps you can recommend another which might help me as well.

Ok, I’ve just noticed that it’s now almost 6pm so I need to start thinking about dinner – Mmm, Chinese deep fried King Prawns in a sweet and sour sauce. If only!!

Elizabeth x

 

 

And so my journey begins …

Hello and welcome and thankyou so much for dropping by – I’ll just take a moment to introduce myself for now, and will add more later, as I am actually much more interested in you and what you think.

My name is Elizabeth and I reached the age of fifty a few years ago (I’m now 63) thinking it would be horrendous, only to discover it’s not. Far from it in fact. It’s great!

For one thing, I am way more confident than I have ever been before and I now completely understand the saying “Don’t sweat the small stuff” – for example my worries are a fraction of what they used to be and not just because they have reduced significantly from, say, in my thirties and forties, but also because I have realised that worrying is pointless.

If I find myself worrying then I just ask myself this question – “Can I do anything about it?” If the answer is no, then it is pointless to worry as it won’t change the outcome. If the answer is yes then there is no need to waste time worrying, just sort it. And that is the crux of the matter – worrying changes nothing, nada, zilch. But what it does do is age you. Those restless or sleepless nights will soon be reflected in your face. And, if you are unfortunately tempted to comfort eat, then that will soon be reflected in your figure too. And most of us know how that muffin top tries to stick to us like cookie dough after a certain age.

So, I gave it some thought and decided I wasn’t ready to morph into a lifeless overweight couch potato, just spending my days mainly watching TV (which incidentally I love) until I had to be carried from my home by ten unfortunate men, bedraggled, covered in crisps and donuts and with my hair looking similar to that of Sideshow Bob.

I actually had this thought whilst still in my fifties, hoping not to enter my sixties overweight, rather worn out and somewhat lethargic but, as per usual, life got in the way and I was so busy with work at that time that I let things slide – hence I find myself now in my early sixties about a stone overweight and looking a bit faded and jaded and past my sell by date. I wish I had found the time to do this just as I turned fifty, of course I do, but better late than never.

I may be over fifty, and sixty, but I still want to look attractive, elegant, trim and healthy moving forward into my mid sixties and seventies and beyond.

I have, therefore, hatched a plan which is not too drastic yet which I think will work well for me long term as I admit I can be a bit lazy when it comes to exercise and I am easily distracted (pass me that chocolate muffin would you). I plan to treat each day as an adventure, inching forward every day by even the smallest amount – the most important thing being that I am going in the right direction to lose weight, get fitter, maintain a better (but not boring) diet and to look as fabulous as possible. In fact, I’d go as far as to say hot (and I don’t mean in a menopausal flush way). And yes, I do think you can be hot at any age – Diane Keaton for one is just gorgeous and she’s in her seventies but you can bet your bottom dollar she doesn’t look like that by sitting on her sofa with a big tub of ice cream watching her old films all day. If you Google it you’ll see dozens of mature women who still have it all going on.

My friend bought me a sign for my study which says “Do something today that your future self will thank you for” … well, this is it, a blog of my journey which I hope you will enjoy and hopefully find useful too as I plan to experiment with lots of different lotions, potions, menus and health tips along the way to find out what really works best for me, and hopefully for you too. And, of course, any tried and tested recommendations you would like to share with me will be gratefully received, thankyou!

Elizabeth x